Stephen (sir_alf) wrote,
Stephen
sir_alf

Identity

Two things happened in the past 48 hours that make me wonder if it's time for a makeover.

Item the first: I have a signature that I developed working as a hotel clerk and signing my name 12ity-5 times a night for six months. The result is almost a monogram, an "M" for Marshall, scrawled with a few bumps that should indicate "arshall S. Bush" and look a lot like a line.

It was suggested that maybe I change my signature.

Now, I know that my signature was different before this, but I've been signing my name like this for over 20 years, more than half the time I've known how to write my name. I thought part of the point was for it not to change.

But there is a point; my signature is illegible and if I do get off my duff and start publishing, my autograph would not exactly be exemplary.

Item the Second: The most common nickname I go by online is Lord Fluffy. Sir Alf only gets used here. I use Stormcrow or Lord Stormcrow in a few places. But I like Lord Fluffy. Despite beginning with an honorific, I don't feel like it's pretentious or overdone. I feel like it projects that I don't take myself overly serious and it's usually available on most forums and boards, so I can use it pretty much as I wish to.

But then I read an article on Fark.com this morning. And I didn't feel like I could respond to it.

See, Fark is the sort of place where you can get a lot of news, but for the love of the gods, don't read the comments. Otherwise you sort of show up for the info and then stay for the outrage.

The article in question deals with an unfortunate case in which a woman stabbed a man to death. She says she was in danger of being raped and took defensive action. The police say her story doesn't add up. She was in the woods with a guy to perform a Wiccan ritual and stabbed him with her athame. (I'll link the article, but read further before you go into the forum.)

The comments that came after were less than complimentary. Many responders consider all Wiccans to be attention whores and go on to describe pagans in a generally negative light, full of insults to our physique and disposition.

Wanting to be an ambassador for the polytheistic and demonstrably sane, I thought about posting a reply. What stopped me? I was waiting for the first jerk off to say something about my screen name.

Now in general, sticks and stones break my bones but words make me giggle at your impotence. But for some reason, especially as I'm trying to become more formal in my beliefs and practice (I'm starting to work with a regular group and kind of feel like my actions do and will represent them) I didn't feel like I needed a measure of credibility and describing myself thus might put a hitch in that.

So far I've said nothing, and while that's probably good for my sanity, I don't know if it's the Right Thing To Do (TM).

Between these two points, I'm wondering if it's time to change myself a tad. I'm still more or less the same person I was ten years ago. That's not a bad thing, but I don't know if I've progressed as a person the way I should or can or even want to. I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential and I'm not sure what the bridge from here to there is.

Making an effort to rebrand yourself can have some pretty significant effects; I know, I've done it a couple of times in my life. But those were major breaks with the past, not refinements of the present.

There's a lot going on in my head that needs sorting out. I'm doing things now (mostly in the department of worry) that I would have kicked my ass for a few years back. I'm too young for a mid-life crisis (math be damned) but I feel like I need to do something because the plodding pace I've been trying to improve my life at just doesn't seem to be gaining the results I'd like.

I don't know.

It's hard to tell when being yourself isn't really helping you and you need to be somebody else that looks a lot like you.
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